the collision of passion and reason

Existentialism

2010-05-15T01:52:00.001-07:00

Not sure if anyone still reads my blog, but I wrote this on the discussion board for my existentialism class..

I haven't posted anything on here at the risk of sounding fake. Plus, I don't really think anyone reads these, or actually gives a shit about what I have to say. If you are reading this it's probably because you were looking for a short thread that you can read quickly and respond half heartedly to in hopes of getting a better grade. If you actually care, well then I'm sorry for judging, I guess.

Anyway, this happened to me a while back and I guess I decided it would be worthwhile to post - even if all you phonies are reading it for a grade.

A few months ago, I was at work during a pretty heavy rainstorm (I work graveyard shifts, so this was probably at 3am). It had proven to be a pretty miserable shift and all I kept thinking about was how badly I wanted to be in the middle of the rainstorm free from my moaning and groaning patients. There was no way I was going to go out in the rain and get fired (they pay me way too much for that), but there was also no way I was going to be happy about it.

After mentally bitching for 10 hours I got in my car and on the 210 freeway to drive home. It was still raining and visibility was almost 0. All of a sudden, traffic came to a complete standstill. I was instantly upset. I began to think things like, "Of course this would happen today - of all FUCKING DAYS!!!" After about 10 minutes of sitting in my car in misery, I started to think about existentialism class and about freedom. I figured Russell was full of shit because there was no way I had any freedom in that situation. I kept bitching and moaning until I realized that there was absolutely no reason why I couldn't be in the rain. I rolled down my windows, opened the sunroof and let the rain fall on me and in to my car. I sat there for about 5 minutes absorbing every second and not thinking a thing. It was the most liberating moment of my life.

After that, I quickly realized that I also had the choice to not ruin the leather in my car and closed all the windows.

Since then I haven't felt trapped - not even in frustrating situations. I have noticed that I now look at the world and say, "'Why not?' instead of 'Why?'"

Well not all the time, I'd be lying if I said I did that all the time.

Andiestotle...

2009-08-24T20:16:00.000-07:00

I had my first day of classes today and it went pretty well. One thing made me particularly happy, though. I was sitting in my History up to the 16th century class, and the professor asked us what our definition of intelligence was. He said that he particularly liked Aristotle's definition and was wondering what we thought. I am not the kind of person that just instantly raises their hand. I prefer to see if anyone else gets it right, and if they do, I compare it to my answer to see how close I was. Anyway, about 6 people answered, but none of them got it right, so I thought I'd give it a shot. I raised my hand and told the professor that I believed intelligence was the ability to take the things you learn and observe and relate them to each other. He smiled and said, "What Andrea has said is exactly what Aristotle said."

I could not have been happier.

a little more "me" and a little less religion

2009-08-23T02:56:00.000-07:00

I have been doing a lot of thinking recently and I decided that my blog wasn't really "me" enough. I edited the layout a bit and I think it better represents myself and my struggles. The idea of space and time completely baffles and amazes me, thus the picture at the top. You guys may think it's heinous, but I like it.

On a more serious note, I have been doing a lot of thinking these last few years. I have been tackling the concept of religion, morality, deities, and the afterlife. My main goal being truth, I have been searching for understanding and answers for a long time and I feel as though I have made a conclusion. Well, not a definite conclusion, I feel that the power to cogitate (I know.. good word, right?) goes hand in hand with the power to change your mind freely. I know some of you already know this, but I wanted to make a formal announcement of my current decision. I formally renounce any association with any religion - as a whole. I would now consider myself somewhere between agnostic and atheist.

I am going to go through a brief list of my reasons and explanations as best I can. Please forgive me for anything that is confusing. It is very hard to explain what goes on in my mind. Also, I want to say that I have never and do not now hold any kind of judgment towards you, my dear, dear friends, who may believe differently. It is my firm belief that if you allow me the freedom to express my thoughts and conclusions maturely, I will do the same for you. With that said, I continue...

One of my main reasons for my new belief (or lack of belief I should say..) is my issue with moral relativism. Who is to say what is right and what is wrong? I realize that there are ethical laws that must be followed by humanity in order for it to co-exist with itself. I do not deny that murder and rape are harmful to humanity as a whole. However, I cannot, nor will I ever be able to, tell you what the offender was thinking. Whenever I bring up the issue of moral relativism the holocaust always seems to be brought up. I want to say a few things about that. No I do not think Hitler should have slaughtered countless people. No I do not think that was the "right" thing to do. I cannot, however, tell you if Hitler himself, in his mind, thought he was honestly doing the right thing. He did bring prosperity to his country, among other things that can be seen as "good". I see a small parallel in what the holocaust did for Germany, and what Manifest Destiny did for this country. We came to settle California by misplacing and slaughtering not only people, but entire cultures. This was and still at times is seen as "good". I believe the Native Americans would beg to differ. I understand that it was on a much smaller scale than the holocaust, I am merely attmepting to explain the tangled web of thoughts I have.

The next thing I would like to address is how religion can be detrimental to humanity. Please note that when I speak of religion I do not solely speak of Christianity, I speak of any and all religions that exist. The amount of humans that are killed over the issue of religion is almost unbelievable. The conflicts that arise from one group of people believing they are right, and therefore better than, another could be completely avoided without the issue of religion. Oceans of blood seep into the dirt because of a "who's going to heaven the right way" battle. It seems childish and absurd in my mind. All it does is divide us into the "not so smart humans" and "saved humans" categories. The other issue I have with this is the belief that comes from thinking you are "right" or "saved". Once someone believes they are right, then in turn, everyone else is wrong, thus the former believes to be the superior being. This is NEVER a good thing, unless it's in math class.

I want to avoid making a blanket statement here. I speak of the masses, not of the religious people who are loving and tolerant. I want to exclude people like Alaina, my best friend, who through all the conversations and disagreements has continued to love me and treat me as an equal. She is in Israel serving and loving people there, and I congratulate her whole-heartedly for doing what she believes is right and for promoting humanity's general welfare. I could not thank her, and those like her, more for being so understanding and respectful of my thoughts. These are the people, regardless of what belief system they are a part of, that should run this world, for they will save it.

To me the circle of life is a beautiful thing. The way everything on our Earth works together in this perfect ecosystem is astounding. While some may see this as an argument for a higher being, I see it as an argument against. Well, I mostly see it as an argument against an afterlife. What could be more beautiful then coming from the Earth, fulfilling your life's purpose (whatever it may be), and becoming a part of her again in death? The idea of this brings me peace. Death is natural, it should not be feared. The means of death is a different story, but death itself, should not be feared. I feel that if there was somewhere else to go after this life, it would demean the importance of this life. It breeds colonies of people who are not worried about what they do here because it's where they go later that matters. What kind of life is that? Not one I want to lead.

The last thing I want to address is the issue of my happiness. I have many people say that if I reject religion I will never be "truly happy". I do not like, or agree, with this statement. I am happier than I have ever been in my entire life at this moment. I know where I have been and I do not regret it, for it has brought me to where I am today. I feel genuinely happy and I believe that I truly am. Is it the devil's trickery? If so, I have yet to see through it.

I would like to thank the people I have spoken with in the last few years for their thought provoking insights. Especially those in the more recent past. You know who you are and I love you all.

I appreciate any and all comments from you. I also could not thank you more for the time you have given my thoughts. Again, I love you all regardless of your beliefs and I hope you can do the same.

Much love,
Andie

responsibilities...

2009-08-08T00:16:00.000-07:00

so lately i have been thinking about my responsibilities. i never really thought about it, but they're pretty big for a person of my age. Well.. maybe not. I'm just amazed at that the thought that I moved out at age 17 and survived.

I guess this has all sparked from Trent's dad deciding that he likes me because I'm responsible (because I go to school, have a job, and have an apartment of my own). Then, I had a returning patient today in the lab whose husband came in and said that I should be proud of myself for handling my responsibilities so well. It made me happy. Of course I am not handling it all alone. My parents pay my rent, and everything else is up to me.

I don't know, I guess thinking back on a year ago - alot has changed. I went from having little to no responsibilities - to having a lot. I do have to say that I like it better now. I enjoy doing things for myself and living on my own. I have been in my apartment without a roommate for about 3 months now, and I haven't regretted it yet.

I have found that I really love being alone and taking care of myself. I am really loving the person that I am becoming. I feel as though I have done a lot of growing this past year and for the better. I have found that I am a girl ( don't feel like a women yet!) of my word and that makes me happy. I have also found that I really do enjoy helping people, and that makes me happy. I am learning to love and respect myself and that makes me happy. The thing that I have most recently learned to do is to rely on myself for my own happiness. This has been the greatest discovery yet.

Overall, I am glad to be who I am, and to have been blessed with the life I have had, and lead.

I DID IT!

2009-07-24T16:22:00.000-07:00

I did it! I am officially an artist... well kind of. Alaina asked me to paint something to sell at her S.E.N.D. off event and I did and it sold! That makes me an official artist who has officially sold (sort of) a painting!

On a sadder note- Alaina is gone (sort of)! :[

HAHAHAHA

2009-06-23T00:44:00.000-07:00

business cards are done!

2009-05-19T18:56:00.001-07:00

The guys at avenue press (www.avenuepress.com) in downey made me some super cool business cards and they're officially done! So, I'm officially official :) Of course the actual business cards aren't pixelated.

the summer is near - i can almost taste it

2009-05-12T18:27:00.000-07:00

Just like everybody else at this time of the year I am completely stressed out with finals! I've been putting my art portfolio together (not an easy task) which means I have had to retouch and finish every piece I have done this year. Yes, I know that if I would have done it as I went along I wouldn't be in this position, however, procrastination is my greatest subject. I cannot wait until after next Thursday I will have the summer to myself! Well, I will be working at a sleep center as a sleep technician, but at least I'll have some money :). I also cannot wait for everyone to come home from school so I can see my far away friends. Anyway, I thought I would put some of my work up.
I fixed the one with the guy's head because the roots looked too weird before.
The hand I was only allowed to use a red, blue, and yellow color for.
The one that is indoors I did inside of a starbucks. I know the picture quality sucks. I'm lazy and my sidekick is lame.
let me know what you think!

more art-am i crazy? maybe.

2009-04-22T01:41:00.000-07:00

I just finished another painting for my life drawing class. I had to do observational work in class with a model and make a conceptual background of my choosing. Somehow, i ended up with this. Don't ask me how it happened; it kind of just did. However, it has made me realize that i am quite possibly a little bit crazy. haha. The painting is in my room right now and it's freaking me out a little bit. Again, all feedback is appreciated :).
-andie

EDIT: i was sitting in the library with nathan and it was like 1000 degrees and i wanted to be swimming so i drew this..

i have given in

2009-04-14T23:19:00.001-07:00

so the time has come, and i have given in. i just finished a painting today that is due for my art class. we had to depict two people having a conversation, with a conceptual background possibly regarding their conversation. i am not surprised that i drew space in the background, because it is definitely one of my favorite things to think about. i am always completely baffled / fascinated by what is out there and by what we don't know. that is what i was trying to get across. let me know what you think. i know the picture quality is terrible, but oh well. feel free to tell me you hate it. everyone's an art critic and i appreciate that :)

this is kind of like alaina's post, but..

2009-03-26T20:17:00.000-07:00

i went to the website at the bottom of the picture she posted and i saw THIS. it made me laugh hard.

i picked up a the onion newspaper a few days ago..

2009-03-23T13:33:00.001-07:00

it was amazing, it was an ACTUAL newspaper. this made me laugh ridiculously hard...

Oh No, Performers Coming Into Audience
MARCH 21, 2009 | ISSUE 45•12

PITTSBURGH—Audience members at the Benedum Center for the Performing Arts are reporting that, oh God, no, approximately 20 extremely enthusiastic actors are approaching the edge of the stage and appear determined to continue their current musical number in the main seating area.

Attendees were oh, for the love of—they're going to make everyone sing along.

"Oh, man, are they? Shit," one audience member was overheard saying as the energetic ensemble began filing down previously unseen stairs and past the front row. "Shit, shit, shit."

Increasingly uncomfortable audience sources have also confirmed that the performers are proceeding down the aisle with crisp, larger-than-normal steps timed perfectly to the music. Even more shocking, some appear intent on interacting with non–cast members.

"Their smiles are so big," a female theatergoer said while pretending to look for something in her purse. "Why does that one have a cordless microphone? Is he going to try to talk to us?"

"I have to go to the restroom," she added.

While it remains unclear how long this horrifying breach of the fourth wall will last, or why the actors worked so hard to create a fictional distance between themselves and the audience if they had no intention of maintaining it, past productions suggest there are still five minutes left in the current number. Some predict the cast will return to the stage before the song's conclusion, but others fear they may stay in the aisles, making unnerving eye contact and blocking all available exits.

Thus far, the actors have ignored audience members' squirms and anxious expressions, opting instead to clap in an effort to get everyone to clap along with them.

Oh, no, more singing and dancing performers have just entered the balcony.

"Their makeup looks way scarier under normal lighting," one theater patron whispered. "Especially that one kid playing the old man."

Audience members have given no indication that the actors' increased proximity has enhanced their experience, or given them a sense of involvement in the production. Some have questioned, however, whether or not it is out-of-character for the play's antagonist to be doing the twist with the show's protagonist, especially before the conflict between the two has been resolved.

While most theatergoers have avoided meeting the actors' gaze by smiling awkwardly and staring straight ahead, the roughly 76 people seated on the aisles have been less fortunate. Performers are currently removing them from their seats and are apparently forcing them to participate in some kind of humiliating choreographed dance.

Jesus Christ, one actor just did a jumping toe-touch from the stage into the audience, pumped his fist, and high-fived a fellow performer, prompting those in the first several rows to jerk back in their seats and shield their heads.

"Why can't we just watch the play?" a female audience member asked a man who is possibly her husband. "When I saw this with Diane in New York, I swear, David, I swear they didn't do this."

Although the exodus into the seating area was not announced, there have been several indications that the actors could be capable of ruining the invisible boundary between them and the paying public. During the previous song, the ensemble sang the words, "For all of us," and gestured not only to themselves, but also to the audience. A second, more ominous sign was the sudden raising of the houselights during the song's chorus—a slight change in mood that caused some worried attendees to look around and ask, "What's going on?"

And, just before the upbeat percussive section that unleashed the thespians, a male lead turned his head sharply to the audience and said, "Here we go."

By then, however, it was too late.

Witnesses say one actor has now perched himself on the back of a seat and started singing directly to a small child. The boy has responded by clinging to his mother and burying his face into her chest.

"They're bringing that fat guy back onstage with them," an audience member said. "Oh, Christ, what are they going to make him do? Why—why don't they just leave us alone?"

let me know what you guys think!

so i'm sitting in government...

2009-03-19T14:41:00.000-07:00

and the guy behind me starts complaining to his neighbor (the person sitting next to him, whether they are actual neighbors is unknown) about how our professor gives our tests back. He was upset that the last time she returned our tests she talked to us for the rest of the period about ways to efficiently study for the her exams, and asked us why so many of us did poorly. Although it's no fun to be lectured, she was just trying to help out because the majority of the class scored terribly. (I, on the other hand, got an 81, and an 89 on the second one, but thats beside the point :) ). Anyway, he just starts making fun of her in the most unwarranted (did i use that right?) way, and it really upset me. Mostly because this isn't the first time it has happened.
Once, I was sitting in my American Studies class and we had to break up for group discussion. Instead of having the discussion about native american women, my group proceeded to talk a bunch of SHIT about our professor. Apparently, they were upset because she said things that weren't funny, and then would laugh at herself. I think it's nice when professors show their personalities. Why would you want a monotone professor to listen to for an hour and a half? I guess it just the way that students will talk about their professors is unsettling. It's so malicious and unnecessary. It accomplishes absolutely nothing. I don't understand it. I try to appreciate every person for who she is, even if her jokes aren't funny. Maybe I'm being naive, I dont know.

so i have this question, "Why do you think people do this? What brings students to loathe their professors so much?"

something funny and some questions

2009-03-17T21:41:00.000-07:00

This made me laugh really hard

Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled : "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML

.

On another note, I have been doing a lot of drawing lately and I am really loving it. I am thinking of being an art major, but I dont know if I can bring myself to do it. I think it may be because i'm scared of not making money later. I do plan on going to grad school though, and being a lawyer or something.. I dont know. what do you guys think?

Also, I have wanted to post some of my art, but I feel like when people do that they're just being annoying and trying to feel cool. I honestly like getting opinions on it though, I dont know. What do you guys think about that?

disneyland

2009-03-12T15:31:00.000-07:00

went to disneyland with some friends. it was way fun :)

doesnt that guy in the back look like chris luna?

makeup business cards

2009-02-14T00:37:00.000-08:00

so alaina helped me make the design for my business cards! I absolutely love the way they look. let me know what you guys think. hopefully i can get my business up and running soon!

THIS is my life story

2009-02-11T20:22:00.000-08:00

so, I woke up at 930 for my 9 am life drawing class and freaked out. Normally, if I miss the first half an hour of a class I figure, "Ehh, I'm not going I already missed most of it." Today was a different day, I decided. "You know what? I love life drawing, I'm going to man up and go to class. Better late then never." So I get dressed quickly and go and you know what happens when I get there? This pretty little sign on the door tells me that CLASS IS CANCELLED. story of my life.

this makes me sooo happy

2009-02-09T14:11:00.000-08:00

i think you'll all love this...

update

2009-02-09T13:43:00.000-08:00

So, I'm officially in my second semester of college, and I am absolutely loving it! I'm in a life drawing class which is soooo fun. Except, last Wednesday I had to draw this red headed woman that looked like she could have been my step-grandmother's sister. Literally. I know it's mean to judge people based on how they look naked, but it was totally awkward. It also didn't help that she was putting herself in the weirdest positions ever. She kept putting herself in to these "going to war" and "ready to fight" positions. HAHA. It was super distracting, and I got little to know decent drawing done. I'll probably post some pictures of my drawings later on just so you can fully understand what I went through.

Today, it was raining like CRAZY on my way back from life drawing and a big blue truck splashed me. It bummed me out, so I went home and took a shower.

Either than that, everything is going well and I'm learning how to play the guitar and I am loving it!!

first post

2009-02-07T02:18:00.000-08:00

so, this is my first post. i'm trying to figure this whole thing out! hopefully i'll be up and blogging soon :)